This weekend was debate JV Novice State. I knew this, not because I spent the week struggling to stay alive with the trimester ending and coaching for JV/Nov, but because I saw the posts of friends on social media. I had kind of forgotten, but the posts brought back a flood of thoughts and feelings, and for the most part, they were not good ones.

Friday night I worked at school until a bunch of my work was done, then came home, ate dinner with my kids (Dak was out of town), and then took Annika to the Gopher volleyball game. In past years, I would have been stressing out about getting all my work done while trying to help kids prepare for their big tournament. At the end of the night, I would have gotten on a bus back to Forest Lake from Eagan, then driven home from Forest Lake at about 11 pm, only to get back up at 5 the next morning to drive back up to Forest Lake so we could ride back to Eagan for 8 am rounds.

This morning, I slept until about 10 am and had a leisurely breakfast and coffee before taking my son skating and going to a craft show with my mom and daughter. I did some grading, we put up our Christmas tree and decorations, and Annika and I went to the Gophers game again tonight. We even got upgraded seats to 5th row right by the net on the aisle: best seats in the house.

In the past years, I’d be sitting around at Eagan high school waiting for kids in their rounds and waiting for break rounds to be posted. Each round took two hours because they were flighted, which means crazy busy judging or crazy boring sitting around while you aren’t judging. I was almost invariably sick with a virus, or someone else on the team/coaching with me was sick with a virus. The food for both kids and adults closed down in the early afternoon, but rounds would go late into the night, leaving us increasingly hungry and cranky. Bus drivers would wonder why it was taking so long, parents would be texting us, kids would be bored because there was only a couple kids at most left in the tournament and that meant they had to sit around for hours. Sometimes, losing felt like a blessing.

I don’t miss a lot of it. I thought I would more. Instead, I got to enjoy autumn weekends without feeling like I had to choose between taking care of my life needs (laundry/grocery shopping/grading) and my emotional/mental needs (sleep/fun/relaxation). I have been able to do both, even though I’ve been super busy with an overload of classes this trimester. Saturdays are so great now. I can sleep in, relax, get some work done OR not, and I still have another day before going back to work. During debate, I used to get back from debate and crash for the night, then I’d have one day for anything that needed to be done or that I wanted to do.

I think I was the proverbial frog in a slowly warming pot of water: I didn’t realize how bad it really was. I miss the friends I have in the debate community tremendously, but I’ve also realized that many were friends of convenience: very few have reached out since I’ve been out of debate. I get that we’re all busy though, and debate season is insanely busy. I don’t miss that. I don’t miss the schedule, the extra stress, or the toxic debate culture as a whole. I don’t miss the arrogance or the “good ol’ boys” club atmosphere. In fact, thinking about it makes me anxious and kind of sick.

I guess it means I’m done. I guess I wouldn’t say forever, since I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. Who knows what will happen? Still, I don’t see debate changing its toxic parts any time soon and I don’t miss it as much as I expected. I tried my best there for 15 years, and maybe it’s time for a new direction.