I used to love Election Day. My very first election in 1996,I volunteered as an election judge in Minneapolis, a position I held for three years in college. Elections were a source of hope, especially when I was working for Paul Wellstone.

The year Paul and Sheila died was the first really hard election for me: we lived in St. Cloud during the early GW Bush years, and it felt bleak. Dak, Matt, and I sat around the kitchen table, trying to make sense of what had happened. I remember a politically active student telling me that it felt hopeless, that everything felt so bad. I tried my best to be optimistic: politics is a pendulum and it swings back and forth, so it will swing back.

It was true: in 2006, there was a shift toward progressive candidates, and in 2008, Barack Obama brought the politics of hope to our nation. That election felt triumphant, like we were finally moving forward from the fear of the early 2000s. But then came the Tea Party movement, the backlash in 2010, and the pendulum started to feel like more like whiplash. Then came the presidential primaries for 2016.

Those early presidential primary debates were hilarious, especially on the Republican side. None of us had any idea what was happening. It was a joke. I feel like an ass saying that, but it’s true. I didn’t know anyone who really thought Trump would be the Republican candidate. Was it possible? Sure. But lots of things are possible that aren’t probable.

The 2016 election was devastating in a way that I don’t want to relive. My fellow Americans, people I thought I knew, voted for a crass, racist narcissist who was not only accused of, but admitted to, sexual assault. How could they?

Tonight, there wasn’t any real joy for me in the process. I voted. I listened to the results come in, but it wasn’t exciting. It was sad. There is a lot to be happy about (or at least relieved about): Minnesota continues to be a state I am proud to live in. My daughter heard Tina Smith giving her speech on the radio and when she heard that Minnesota had two women as Senators, she was pleased. Representation matters. Ilhan Omar broke barriers tonight. Many other women broke barriers tonight. It looks like St. Paul passed their levy and that Forest Lake actually finally passed their levy. I should be feeling positive.

I just feel tired. There are still so many battles to fight. While many were vanquished, some blatantly racist candidates won tonight. There will be backlash and scapegoats. We still have a tremendously terrible, cruel person as the nation’s leader. We need to do better as a people and as a country.