As long as I can remember, I’ve been terrified of doctor’s needles. Not a little scared, the way I assume most people are, but massively afraid, to the point where it affects my decision making about my health, both medical and dental.

I am pretty open with people about my struggles with depression and ADHD, maybe even too open. I think it’s important to talk about those things and to normalize them in the world because too many people are trying to cope on their own without realizing that they can be successful with ADHD, or that they can find relief from depression. I want to make sure people know they are not alone, and I want my neurotypical friends to begin to understand how the world is different for us.

The phobia is different. I used to hide it from everyone, finally sharing it with my husband kind of on accident, since he was with me at the doctor once. The doctor opened a drawer and grabbed a long object that was in paper; I totally melted down. Turns out it was a cotton swab. Embarrassing. I tried therapy for it a few times, and I have definitely gotten better. I can have my blood drawn now without crying (for the most part). If I do cry, it’s just tears rather than a full-out meltdown with sobbing. Every time I do it, I feel more confident, which is nice because as I get older, I imagine there will be more poking and prodding.

I used to hide it because it is so embarrassing and irrational. I’m a grown-ass adult. It doesn’t hurt that bad. I have dealt with way worse in my life – I used to be a fencer (getting hit by swords can be far more painful), I work with glass (which is far more painful when it slices me open), and I’ve had two children. I have started to be less embarrassed by it, at least most of the time, precisely because it’s so irrational and uncontrollable… if I can’t control my reaction, why should I be embarrassed? Still, I feel deeply ashamed when I start tensing up and have to explain to the doctor or the tech that I’m phobic and they look at me with contempt, like “oh, shit, this is going to make my day worse – what a baby.”

When I tell people about it, I usually get one of a few responses. “Oh, it’s not that bad. It’s like a mosquito bite! You won’t even feel it! It just lasts a second!” I know that. People have told me that since I was a child. If that was going to work, it definitely would have. I know you’re trying to help, but… no. Another common response: “Oh, I’m scared of needles too! But it’s really not that bad! I made it!” This is kind of a variation on the first response, but I’m never really sure how to take the first part. I don’t think most people are afraid of needles the way I am. Most people don’t really like them, but they aren’t phobic to the point that they could go on a daytime talk show about phobias as a “worst case scenario” like I probably could. Another response is just dismissal, like “Oh, that’s too bad.” Mainly because people don’t really get it because it is so irrational. When you are aren’t afraid of something, it’s really hard to understand why someone else would be. For example, my daughter is afraid of butterflies, but I love butterflies and I cannot understand why she freaks out so much if they are near her. I am compassionate, but I don’t really understand. I had a friend who was deathly afraid of birds, and even though I have a phobia too, it was hard to relate. I think a lot of people are like that with phobias. So the response ends up being, “well, suck it up because you have to deal with it.” That doesn’t help one bit, even thought it’s ultimately (kind of) true.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except it keeps me from getting the care I need. I have to have a temporary crown replaced, but I’ve avoided it for probably two years. Vaccines are an especially touchy subject: every time I’m at the doctor, they offer the flu shot, for example, and I always feel ashamed turning them down, because it feels like such a stupid reason.

It’s hitting especially hard tonight because tomorrow I am going for an EMG and some nerve tests on my right wrist because of carpal tunnel syndrome. I have some numbness in my fingers almost every morning and I can no longer play my banjo or ride my bike without my hand becoming numb. It tingles sometimes in the middle of the day without provocation. Wearing a brace used to help at night, but it doesn’t really help anymore. Even after all that, I wouldn’t actually be getting anything done about it, but the doctor said that if it’s left unchecked, I could actually lose nerve function permanently and that scares me. I want to be able to mosaic, craft, type, play banjo and other instruments, and bike without pain or lack of feeling.

Still, I find myself in panic mode tonight. More than once I’ve considered canceling. I haven’t, and I won’t. I’ve gotten a lot better about that since I was younger. Just thinking about it makes me tense up and tear up. Writing about it has helped, actually, but I’ve teared up a few times just writing this. I’m not going to give in. I’m going to go tomorrow and give it a try. If it’s really bad, I can always tell them I need to stop. The time will pass and it will end. All things come to an end, and this will too.