They’re HEEEEEEERRRREE! Two nights in a row now I’ve dreamed the back-to-school horror dreams. They usually don’t start until mid-August but I am feeling extra anxious this year, so here we go!

The first dream was especially weird. In it, I was back at Forest Lake and we were doing all the back-to-school stuff, and I felt like a total outsider. All of the people I worked with treated me like a traitor for having left last year. I was a total pariah.

I actually spent a lot of time in that dream feeling regret and second guessing myself – like, did I do the right thing and choose the right job? Am I where I’m supposed to be? In the dream, my work at Roseville was only temporary for some reason, or maybe I was lured back somehow? I don’t know. But I felt terribly alone in both dream places and I woke up feeling lonely and sad.

Last night’s dream was a lot more typical: I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be teaching, I was late because I am a traveling teacher now, my classes were huge and for some reason I had to teach in this giant industrial tech room and then later I had to sub in a music class which was up in a sort-of attic (?) that was actually really nice with lots of natural light and high ceilings. I kept missing class because I had to run from place to place to teach and I kept getting lost. Then I’d miss most of class and the students would mostly leave, so when I showed up finally there wasn’t anyone really there and I would feel a mix of relief (because I didn’t know what I was doing anyway) and terror (about when I would be inevitably caught).

Thing is, none of these dreams were bad because of students. I’ve had the dreams where the kids are terrible monsters who are rude and refuse to listen. I’m sure I’ll have them again at some point. But my dreams so far this year have been mostly about my own insecurities and anxiety: second-guessing myself, feeling unsure of my own abilities and talents, and wondering if I am doing well.

In some ways, these dreams have been more troubling because my brain seems to be working out a lot of my issues, from fear of inadequacy to my sense of loss of the community of which I had been a member for 15 years. I am still finding my place at my new school community, and it’s scary.

I suppose it’s healthy for my mind to work these things out a little bit. Even if these dreams are just neutral phenomena rather than meaningful, they are probably to be expected. Things are going to be okay one way or another.