I want to believe that the arc of history bends toward justice. I have believed that people, in general, are good and deserving of compassion. I try not to assume intent when people do stupid or hurtful things; I try to look at the bigger picture and see the circumstances that brought them to that point. I know some people are harmful, toxic, and even sociopathic, but I have always tended to think they were the exception to the rule. Perhaps I have lived a charmed life, perhaps I’ve been sheltered, maybe when you read this, you are thinking, “wow, how naive.”

I don’t know what to think anymore.

The news scares me. The internet scares me. People who I’ve grown up knowing and caring about, but have seemingly developed some really cruel or racist ideas, scare me. The open disdain for basic human rights and values is appalling and it scares me.

I could just write about how angry I am with 1-year-olds as defendants in courtrooms. I am. I’m super pissed. But I think what’s happening underneath that anger is maybe more important. It’s a lot more difficult and vulnerable to admit that I’m just really worried, sad, and scared.

I’m scared of what is going to happen for those poor children imprisoned at the border. I’m scared about how international relations will change based on this administration and what lasting damage will be done. I’m scared for the most vulnerable among us and around the world because they are always impacted first and they are feeling the effects of our turmoil this so much more than I am. I’m scared for our environment and the world we are leaving for our children. I’m scared that the racists, the white supremacists, the neo-Nazis, and the fascists are gaining a stronger foothold in our politics and in our culture. I’m scared they are being accepted.

I’m scared that the rhetoric is going to boil over into more and more physical clashes, driven by emboldened white nationalists like the alt-right, the “Proud Boys,” the Trad Workers, and all those “patriot” groups. There are clashes regularly on the west coast and most prominently, last year in Charlottesville. Just today two anti-government extremists were pardoned, which just makes the militia groups more bold. It seems like the president is sending the message that “as long as you’re on my side and support me, you can get away with whatever you want.” I’m scared that violence is going to become more widespread, and I’m worried about what that means for everyone, but particularly for my family, my children.

I don’t want the fear I feel to be mistaken for weakness – I think scared animals are often the most dangerous. I wonder sometimes if we should be more prepared in case something were to happen, natural or otherwise (it’s the latter I’m worried about). I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt. I don’t want to one a paranoid prepper, but things are not good right now.

I don’t know. I’m angry and worried and anxious and pissed and sad and scared.