Tonight was the last class of a Technology class I’ve been taking after school. I’ve learned a lot and it’s definitely pushed me to try things I wouldn’t otherwise have tried, but that have been effective.

Tonight, though, it taught me a much more difficult lesson, or maybe I should say it reminded me of a more difficult idea. At the time, I definitely didn’t appreciate it, but with a little distance and time, I feel like tonight’s lesson was maybe the most important, even if it wasn’t intentional.

Tonight, I was reminded what it is like to be absolutely frustrated, to the point of tears, because I didn’t understand what was happening, what I was supposed to be doing, or why we were doing what we were doing. Having ADHD, this isn’t the first time I’ve been confused or missed something – it happens all the time – but it’s been a long time since the mixture of confusion, frustration, and a complete lack of context for my labor has hit me this hard. I feel embarrassed to say it (because it really shouldn’t have been this big of a deal), but I was literally on the verge of tears.

I still don’t feel good about it, and I’m still processing what happened and what I can learn, both about myself and my teaching. First, I feel like I don’t have much “grit,” or whatever you want to call it: persistence, stick-to-it, growth mindset, whatever. I have never loved the idea of grit, because while I believe persistence is a very important quality that I do possess, I don’t believe one should always persist if there isn’t a purpose or reason behind the labor. For example, I don’t really care for some kinds of brain teasers and games, so when they are given as activities, I don’t tend to persist very long unless there is a clear pay-off. That said, if there’s something I want to accomplish, I’ll get it done, no question. It’s just a matter of purpose: why am I putting the work into this activity?

I think what I can take from this activity even more is how I set up activities for my own class to ensure none of my students get this frustrated. The biggest problem I had tonight was I didn’t understand what I was supposed to be doing. At all. I didn’t understand the end goal. Therefore, I need to make sure I am very clear about what our end goal is for my own students.

The second frustration I had was understanding the context for the activity – why were we doing this? What was I suppose to learn from it? How was I supposed to take it back and somehow apply it? With some distance, I can kind of see how an activity like the one we were doing could work in a classroom. However, at the time, I didn’t understand why I was trying to answer some quiz questions about perspective in art drawings (that DEFINITELY didn’t have clear enough directions and were not well designed for someone with ADHD because they seemed to require a strong memory of previous answers), or a spatial puzzle with paper pieces. Why was I doing this? I had a sore back, lots of things to think about and do, and I’m trying to find a spot on a map with tiny writing… why?

What I am going to take from that is that I am going to make SURE my students understand why I’m doing something and why I’m asking them to put in time and energy for whatever it is we’re doing. I am recommitting to honoring my students’ time and labor. There is nothing more frustrating, at least for me, than being given a task with no clear purpose. I always try to make sure that everything I do in my classroom has a purpose – the “why” factor – and I am going to redouble my efforts to make sure kids know why we’re doing what we’re doing.

Finally, I think it’s a gift to be reminded how it feels to be a frustrated, angry, confused kid who doesn’t know what is happening or why. I think a lot of kids feel this way a lot of the time, so it helps me to be empathetic. I had a girl who was really struggling with an assignment the other day get frustrated and almost break down into tears. I feel like I handled it with compassion, but after this evening, I feel like I have far more understanding of where she was, mentally and emotionally. I think this will help me be more compassionate in my classroom.

I’m still processing how I felt and reacted. I’m pretty sure I got pretty bitchy once the frustration began to set in. I was already grumpy because my back was sore and it had been a long day, so I’m pretty sure I was a terrible classmate at the end. I feel guilty-ish about that; I wish I could go back and tell myself to just chill. I bet students sometimes feel this way too. It’s a good reminder to let bygones be bygones and welcome students back after they screw up or have a bad day. That’s how I’d want to be treated; that’s what I need to do for my kids.

In the end, I learned or was reminded of a lot, and while it was a tough night, I’m grateful for the experience.