This might be the first 4/20 I didn’t worry much about going to work. Columbine happened 19 years ago, just before I graduated with my B.A. I had just been accepted to start my Masters program in Education at the U of M that summer. For some, 420 is a day to celebrate weed; for me, it’s always felt traumatic.

The next year, 2000, I was student teaching at Champlin Park on the first anniversary of the shooting. The news had coverage of the anniversary; everyone had it on our minds. I was in my 9th grade class when the fire alarm went off in the morning. My class and I looked at each other like “really?” I wasn’t sure if we should actually evacuate; the media story was that the shooters in Columbine had pulled the fire alarm. This was a tactic also used in a shooting in Pearl, Mississippi. I was considering my options when my cooperating teacher came in and got us to leave the building. The whole staff and many of the students were on edge, and it turned out to be a science experiment that set off the alarm.

There have been a number of notorious and violent events on April 19 and 20. Lore says people pick the date because it’s Hitler’s birthday. Every year, I’ve had trepidation about going to school; one year (years ago) I even called in sick. At my previous schools, I always had a feeling that, yep, this could happen.

This year was different. It could be that I’ve been sick and then there was conferences last night, so I haven’t really had time to even consider it. It could also be that I’ve been so busy keeping up with planning and grading and taking care of business and learning a new place that I didn’t think about it. The news stories about the legalization or decriminalization of cannabis and the resulting social media discussion about prison policy and drug law have taken up a lot of my thought-space lately. The over-saturation of Trump news stories and the darkness that just kind of exists in the news every day makes it hard to worry about other things too.

I also think that the walkout and political fight against gun violence has helped in some ways. It’s not that I feel safer because of it, but I don’t feel as powerless, maybe. (Aside: If I’m ever shot in school, politicize it. Immediately. Do something.) The youth movement and subsequent focus on the problem may have lifted some of the hopelessness of the day from my mind.

It helps, too, that I am happy to go to work and I feel good about what I’m doing. That doesn’t make me any less worried about violence, but it does bring down the overall level of worry and stress. I’m able to walk into school now without feeling the heaviness set in the minute I get there, or my chest tighten when I open the door.

I didn’t forget what the day was, because I had seen the Snoop Dogg tweet the night before reminding us to put out cookies for him on 420 eve. One of my 9th graders, pretending to be naive, asked “do you know what 420 is, miss?” And I responded like I do EVERY year “nooo, what is it?” and widened my eyes innocently. They giggled. Same thing every year.

At least this year I wasn’t hyper vigilant. Feels good, man.