I think many of us have heard the stories about athletes who go through significant personality, mental, and emotional changes as a result of concussions. I have followed some of these stories from afar – the stories of football players who take their own lives and then their brains reveal CTE from repetitive brain injuries. The other day, I heard that a brain autopsy had found that one of my former students had the beginnings of CTE and brain issues due to concussions. After the head injuries, he was never the same, I guess, even after he graduated. Unfortunately, he lost his battle with depression and anxiety, which led to the autopsy.

Sometimes I wonder if the head injuries I sustained in my youth have affected my own development. I have had two major head injuries, including a fractured skull as a toddler and a major concussion with lost memory when I was about 12 years old. I played soccer and one of the things I excelled in was heading the ball, especially on a corner kick, into the goal. It was the one thing I could do better than a lot of others, even though I wasn’t an especially strong player. I practiced it a lot, which means I probably had a lot of small head injuries along the way. I also remember one particular time I slammed my head into something in the garage, leaving me dizzy and headachy for at least the rest of the day, if not longer. I can still feel that cold sensation spread across my skull and see the garage floor. Finally, I was nailed in the head by a pitch playing baseball in the neighborhood one time, which left me tired and headachy for at least that day.

Head injuries weren’t taken as seriously back then, I don’t think. I was playing soccer again after a week after I was hospitalized at age twelve. There weren’t screens all over the place at that time, thank goodness, so I never had any problems with headaches and screen time. We just iced where the baseball had hit or wherever we bumped our head, relaxed for a while, and went back to life.

Today I have memory issues. Sometimes, I mix up names or I can’t remember a person I have known for years and years. I can recognize the face, but I don’t know where I know them from. It can be pretty embarrassing at times, especially when it’s someone I called by name the day before. I feel like I remember important things pretty well, but I have found myself mixing up even those things. I’ve never been especially organized, and my ADHD diagnosis makes sense given my brain activity and behavior, but sometimes I wonder if it’s more than just everyday absentmindedness and ADHD. I wonder if I have any lasting problems from my earlier brain injuries.

On a day when I’m feeling cheerful, I would probably say “well, THAT explains things, doesn’t it!?” Or if I’m feeling overly-confident and cheeky, I might think “well, I’m already brilliant, so what’s a few brain cells?” On days when I’m having more trouble remembering things, I feel scared. On days when I have to walk back into the house multiple times before leaving for the day because I’ve forgotten things over and over and over again, I get worried. Like when I open the microwave and there is something I microwaved last night still sitting there. Or when I leave out something frozen. Or when I leave the car door open after getting home and Dak gets home after me and has to close it for me. Once or twice, I can brush it off as absentmindedness. When the incidents begin to add up, I can’t let it go so easily.

I don’t know if there is a test they can do aside from a brain autopsy after death. I’m not sure I’d want to know either way, to be honest. I am still coping just fine, most of the SNAFUs are small issues, and I’ve found lots of ways to compensate, especially at work where I need to be on my game. I can laugh at it most of the time, as long as it doesn’t happen too many times in a day. There’s nothing really to be done, but there’s that nagging curiosity – what if? – and hope that I maintain my current function.