Today I began to realize how anxiety-ridden I have been for so long when my body seemed to release some of it today (that, or I’m getting sick again?). I haven’t been able to fully wake up today, I’ve been a little dizzy when I do get up, and my entire gastrointestinal system is a mess.

When I was brand new at running debate tournaments, I used to get so stressed out the week before them, and then the Sunday afterwards I would be a terrible mess of a person; sometimes I even stayed home sick on the Monday afterwards. It was like I held it together when I needed to, but when the end came, my whole body just let me know that it was unhappy with my brain’s decisions. In time, I got much better at planning and running tournaments, so I began to feel less terrible afterwards and rarely stayed home the next Monday. In fact, I voluntarily ran two tournaments at Forest Lake this year because it had gotten relatively easy.

The stress that I’m beginning to let go of now is a completely different stress. I made a huge leap in the beginning of the school year in moving to a new school in October. Leaving in the middle of the year isn’t unheard of, but it’s not very common and, I imagine, it would be a difficult thing to try to explain to another potential employer. I say this because I’ve been imagining it for about a month as the calendar inevitably rolls up to the time when cuts happen, How would I explain that to another district? I wasn’t sure.

At the same time, the stress of learning a new system, learning all the new tacit knowledge and insider information, learning new expectations, everything has added to the sense of uncertainty. Add to that the guilt of leaving in the middle of the year and missing some of the friends and students I had at Forest Lake, and I’ve been pretty overwhelmed. I’ve gained weight – more than I’d like to admit. But my mind has just kept going straight through, making sure I have lessons and ideas.

I wanted to think about the future, about next year, but I every time I started to do that, I felt sad and stressed about whether there would be a next year where I’m at. Now, I can actually start to plan and think about the future, even though it looks a little different than I imagined it, because there is some stability there.

So now my body is like OK! WE CAN RELEASE THIS BURDEN YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING IN! And today it just crashed on me – exhaustion, stomach and gut issues, dizziness, the whole works. It feels a lot like when I used to get so stressed out about my debate tournaments, but on a higher level. Hopefully that’s all it is, and it works its way out relatively quickly. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten much more aware of my own body and how it reacts to stimuli, but I didn’t expect quite so much, even though I probably should have. Another learning day.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling up to cookie making and egg dying.