In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been pretty stressed and depressed lately. The anxiety has begun to manifest itself in ways that are really annoying, which makes me just want to go to bed and not get up for three days: twitchy eyes, tight chest, headaches, all sorts of things. Today, I started having heart palpitations again. I haven’t had them since I worked at Forest Lake, but they’re back with a vengeance. When it rains, it pours.

I wish I could find a way to relax it – I can relax my mind, actually, given enough time and breathing. I can calm the pieces that I can control. But when the heart and the twitchy eyes get going, there is pretty much nothing I can do about it, it seems. It’s just a physical manifestation of what’s going on in my life – even when I’m feeling generally really positive, my twitchy eye and chest will remind me that things are heavy.

I searched out silly vines and videos on YouTube, and it really helped. They are dumb as hell, but they made me laugh for the first time in what felt like a really long time. Things actually aren’t that bad – I seem to have some pretty cool classes this trimester and the stuff I’m teaching is fun. It’s just the uncertainty of everything right now, mixed with a huge amount of work I need to do to stay afloat, considering I’ve never taught this stuff before and I still need to be a mom and a partner and a human too. I’m so glad I started teaching when I was a young person.

So… long story short, my blogs have been pretty depressing lately and that’s because that’s the state I’m in. I’m struggling mentally and emotionally. I keep it together pretty much all the time, and letting it all out at night helps. I suppose this is why a lot of people keep their journals private – most of what we write isn’t especially meaningful to other people. I haven’t been thinking a whole lot about my audience lately, which is probably a reflection of my physical, mental, and emotional state.

That’s something to think about, too, as a writing teacher: sometimes, we just write stuff that is not great or even good. Sometimes it’s hard to consider much outside of self preservation and sleep. Writing about that is ok too.