I’m still angry. I didn’t want to go to school today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ve had a headache almost all day and all I want to do is cry. I still went: I have kids to work with and today I was observed, so I should have been on top of my game. But the world was heavy on my day.

Today they announced the names and some of the stories of the people killed in Parkland, Florida. I read about it, because for some reason it feels like an obligation at this point in history. I feel like maybe spending time paying respects to the people who lost their lives senselessly is somehow good in the world, like acknowledging these individuals as human beings instead of numbers on a terrible scoreboard might help bring some humanity back to the entire process.

I suppose a lot of people wouldn’t agree with that. Many people would probably advise me to lay off the media at this point. Maybe they are right, I don’t know. As I’ve written about before, when I don’t understand something in the world, the one thing that brings comfort is learning about it. Like, if I could just understand the different facets of the situation, the different perspectives at play, I could magically solve the problems, right? I go into the research reading rabbit hole whenever I’m hooked by something, and in cases like these, it might not be the healthiest choice for my mental health. Or physical health, since I’m exhausted and my head has been pounding since noon.

I feel hopeless. I am trying to remember the old Irish prayer about God granting me the power to change what I can and the ability to accept what I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference, but I can’t remember the exact words and that’s ok because the sentiment is there. I’m not even usually a control freak, but I just want some warm sun and some uplifting news. I need to believe that everything is going to be ok, that everything will work out. Most of the time, I have faith that the arc of history will, indeed, bend toward justice, and that while the universe works in mysterious ways, things generally balance out.

Today nothing feels balanced. Today feels like no good news. Today feels scary. Today feels hopeless.