Annika is playing basketball this year for the first time. She loves playing, even though there are a lot of kids on the team who are more skilled and often don’t pass to her. She is playing within a group of kids who have been playing a lot for much longer than she has, and it’s been a little difficult, communication-wise.

It’s a super-masculine space. It’s a co-ed team with only a few girls on the team. Annika knows a couple of them, which is kind of nice, but it’s still full of boys and men. The coaches all men who are strong coaches and push the kids to excel. They teach the kids and I appreciate what they do. Annika has learned a ton from them and I know that she has grown faster than she could have otherwise. In fact, watching her play with these boys who are so much better than her has me realizing very viscerally how much it matters for kids to be with other people who are better than they are at whatever it is that they are doing: in classes with stronger peers, playing with people who are better at the sport or music, whatever. I’m sold on that now, even though I’m not so sure what that means for school and grading.

Still, she doesn’t get to play as much as she doesn’t get passed to during games hardly ever, which is frustrating for her. I don’t know how to approach that with her coaches, who I think are trying to do the best they can, but I don’t think they notice it as much as the parents of the girls do.

Additionally, there has not been nearly enough communication, and I suppose I can take a little responsibility for that because I’m a little intimidated, but there are games where literally no one shows up at the time of the game, or even at all. It’s frustrating at best. There was two teams originally, which then broke down into one team because the second team never had a coach at our games and barely ever had enough kids to even play. This was hard to watch because Annika was so disappointed.

Finally, I’m a teacher, so I’m pretty critical about educational programs. I used to coach kids teams, and I believe in the developmental nature of the programs. I don’t want to be that parent who is overly critical but doesn’t step up and coach myself. I wish I could coach, but with school and with debate, it wasn’t an option. I don’t want to do a half-assed job. But I’m frustrated when communication isn’t clear or when coaches aren’t on time to games.

Long story short, I suppose I’m facing the same dilemma a lot of parents face when their kids are in activities: I want them to be good experiences, but I don’t want to have to be the coach or manager every time. I want to let my kids join things and have their own space to grow and develop. I don’t want to be an overbearing mama bear even though I want to make sure the experience she has is a good one overall.

At the end of every practice, I’m very careful to ask if she had fun playing. She says yes most of the time, but once in a while it’s with hesitation. That’s ok – not every practice is fun all the time. I get that, as a coach, teacher, and former athlete myself. But hopefully the good is outweighing the bad. She always wants to stay and keep playing after practice is over. That’s a good sign.