Writing for 25 days in a row has done a few things. First, it’s become a habit that I just do. I don’t have to be as intentional as I had to be at the beginning. That’s actually kind of cool. It reminds me of when I actually succeeded at eating healthily for a sustained period of time: at first, it sucked and I was craving crappy food because I was probably addicted and used to eating crappy food, but after a while, it became habit and it felt good. Then I started eating the crappy food again and it was delicious and so now I eat crappy food again. But the point is that habits can be changed, provided I do the hard work early on.

However, writing every day for (only) 25 days has made me realize some things about my thought patterns, and I’m not so sure I love this part. I come to the end of every day with a lot of the same thoughts: I’m tired, I’m guilty I didn’t get more done, and I’m grateful for the people who are helpful and gracious. Like, every day I kind of want to start my writing with “I’m tired.”

It’s true. I am. I’m kind of worried about it, because I really am tired a lot, but I’ve always been tired. I love to sleep (another trend in my thoughts) and since I had mono in college, I’ve haven’t been able to stay awake in the same way that I used to. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, which I guess makes sense.

I’m also really sore, and I’m not entirely sure why. My foot hurts and the doctor said it is capsulitis, which means I have to wear shoes with a special bump in the middle and it hurts to exercise. My elbows hurt and I don’t know why. My calves and knees and hamstrings hurt without reason, sometimes to the point where it hurts to walk. My neck is stiff and I get headaches almost every day. It’s all kind of weird. I want to try to exercise and stretch, thinking that will help, but it always hurts worse. Maybe that’s habit I will have to try to push through, even though I really don’t want to because it hurts.

I guess what I’ve really noticed is that I feel like I have gotten a little stuck in a pattern of thinking that isn’t necessarily bad, per se, but it’s a little repetitive and maybe a little boring. I suppose it’s normal, though. I suppose that’s why writers revise (which I don’t do much of on this blog). I suppose it’s why writers have editors and don’t publish every single thing they write.

I am publishing everything in this writing challenge because, if I don’t, I won’t hold myself accountable. It’s the idea of a reader that actually makes writing interesting to me. It’s a social thing, even though it’s done in a solitary way (although I did invite people to blog with me!!). The idea of the reader is what made me most aware of my thought patterns to begin with – I imagine if I started every blog with “I’m tired,” it would not be very good for anyone.

So yeah. I’m thinking about my own thoughts. Metacognition ftw.