Today I was honored to be named MDTA Debate Coach of the Year. I was surprised and couldn’t say much, but it was truly an amazing honor to have the support of so many people who I see as brilliant. My debaters performed beautifully and made me so proud to be their coach. It should have been a great day.

I am having trouble thinking about how to write about today, though.

The truth is, today, I felt humiliated and degraded by tournament staff. I was subjected to a joke about #metoo – essentially a joke about sexual harassment – at a tournament where there was serious under representation of women in leadership positions and in the judging pool. I was treated as a nuisance when I did exactly what we are instructed to do when a rule has been violated, what I was told to do by other coaches. I was disparaged in front of my colleagues as a result. Tournament staff treated me unfairly and disrespectfully.

Today I didn’t feel comfortable sitting in the judges lounge. I didn’t feel comfortable sitting in the hall. I didn’t feel safe talking to most other people.

Today I felt like a pariah.

Today I had people come to me in quiet displays of solidarity – “I agree with you and I’m with you.” I had people share experiences they had at this tournament and years in the past that were degrading and disrespectful. I had a retired coach say “don’t even think about bringing an ethics complaint; they will put you through the ringer.” It’s true. They did.

Today should have been a great day. I had four state competitors, two All State debaters, a 6th place finisher in Congressional debate, and I was awarded as the Minnesota Coach of the Year. I have amazing friends in the debate community that work so hard to do the right things and dedicate themselves to their kids throughout the week and on the weekends. I should feel good.

Today I am left feeling confused and sad and angry.

Most days I find a positive silver lining and I know with my mind that there is much to be thankful for and happy to about.

Today I feel defeated.