Today I did a lot of stuff. A LOT. Bear with me with this list because it’s not a “look at how great I am” list. It’s an honest accounting of major things I did today.

1. Got to school at 7:30 a.m. and met with a teacher briefly to talk plans, then I met with a student to go over his paper and discuss ways to improve it.
2. Before first hour, I ran and got copies.
3. Taught first hour Composition class and checked notebook entries.
4. Taught second hour Composition class and checked notebook entries.
5. Taught third hour Composition class, but didn’t check notebook entries because I had to help kids understand the assignment they were working on a bit more than the other classes. Don’t worry – I collected their notebooks (see later events).
6. Made and cut copies during 25 minute lunch, then ate lunch.
7. Taught fourth hour Advanced Composition where we doing a more intense lesson involving organizational strategies. Took pictures of outlines.
8. Organized and created PowerPoint of said pictures so that we could go over everyone’s organizational strategies tomorrow.
9. Created a detailed outline sheet for the album reviews my Composition class is writing based on their preliminary work and needs; sent this for copies before the deadline.
10. Graded one class set of preassessment paragraphs, looking to see how they used (or didn’t use) sources to support their ideas.
11. Graded a class set of reading response notes/summaries.
12. Graded that one class set of notebooks I had to collect from third hour.
13. Graded three class sets of responses to various professional album reviews (they read/listened to/viewed five different reviews to see how different people wrote).
14. Left school at 4:45 – drove quickly to Caribou to meet with debaters before the section tournament.
15. Worked with debaters on cases, responses, extensions, general theory, and all sorts of good stuff. I had missed them.
16. Got home at 7:35.

Ok. I had to kind of put that down to remind myself that I accomplished a shit ton of stuff today. Why, you ask?

Because I feel guilty that I didn’t get more done. And now that I’m sitting here, thinking about it, that’s ludicrous. But it’s true.

I’m not alone. My debaters were both apologetic for not having more done before meeting today. THEY felt bad too. I felt bad because, while I had read a bunch of law journal articles, I hadn’t gotten them all into small, usable chunks. They felt bad because they had a few things not quite buttoned up in the cases. We all felt inadequate and guilty.

We forgave each other, with the sort of voices that betrayed a little guilt still lurking (or maybe that was just me). We’re going to be okay, they said. I believe that – they are smart, thoughtful, amazing women who make me hopeful for our future. I don’t know about the tournament, but I know they will be okay.

I will be too. I have essays that are ungraded, plans unmade, messes and piles of things I should probably take care of. I’ll be working again tomorrow, and then I’ll be judging debate until late in the evening. I’ll be at debate again on Saturday. I have final essays that need my attention, but I also have a husband and kids who need my attention. It’s a lot to juggle.

I’ve kind of written myself into a depressing place, but I’m not going back to revise (this is a rough blog if it’s anything). I don’t really have a nice, positive, everything-will-be-fine ending to write. But I will say this: I am working on being more gentle with myself as best I can. I’m trying to feel more adequate. I’ll get there, maybe.

On the plus side, I get to snuggle down and listen to a podcast with my favorite girl (my daughter) and my favorite dog and go to sleep.